DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a verbal argument with a man in a bar and my boyfriend didn’t step in to defend me.
I feel like my boyfriend, it’s his job to uphold my honor at all times.
The man didn’t get physical with me or threaten me in any way, but the mere fact that he was raising his voice at me should have infuriated my boyfriend. I felt like a fool to be there with him while he just stood there and observed that I was disrespected.
Is this reason for a breakup?
DEAR BAR FIGHT: Did you talk to your boyfriend about the incident? What did you say was your reason for being silent? I wonder if he thought jumping would cause a situation that was already dangerous.
That is not to say that I should have let this argument go on without supporting you. It is a possible reason why you decided to withdraw.
I don’t know if you should end up with this, but you need to talk. Ask him what he thinks his role in your relationship is and what he considers his responsibilities to be. Get him to talk about his values and beliefs. Tell him yours. Don’t assume you believe the same things. Take advantage of this moment to be clear about what you want from him and how disappointed you felt because he did not defend you at the bar.
Sometimes women present themselves as so strong that their partners or others do not think they need help in any situation. The Superwoman persona that many women adopt can make it confusing for a couple to feel that there is even room to jump to their rescue. Know this.
This is why you two need to talk so that you can be on the same page about expectations.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m tired of my friend constantly correcting me. He’s an extreme know-it-all and sometimes the way he talks to me takes on a misogynistic tone.
He always apologizes afterwards, but the apology sometimes annoys me even more because that means he was aware that he was being rude at the time.
What should I say when this happens?
To know everything
WANTED TO KNOW IT ALL: When this friend clicks on your know-it-all behavior, stop it immediately. You can do it jovially by saying, “Uh-oh. Here it goes again. To become the man who knows absolutely everything. “
When he says something unacceptable to you, call him up. You can say, “Can you listen to yourself? Would you like me to talk to you like this? “Or” Should I stop talking and let you say everything, since you seem to know everything? “
Say something as close to the time the violation occurs as possible. Reflecting on what you are doing is the way to make him aware of his own behavior.
Most likely, they have no idea that you are being mean, condescending, or misogynistic. Educate!
Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or c / or Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.